Who am I? What is wrong with me? Why can I not accept myself? What obstacles lay in my path?
As I sit here in my favourite place to meditate I find myself asking these questions as I normally do, trying to unlock the secrets of life buried deep inside of me. I may never truly know the answers to these questions but I thought of at least a way to explain it to myself. A way to show myself what is wrong.
Along with the obvious mental stresses I go through with work and life, my main issue is with how I see myself. I have always been overweight. From when I was a kid all the way until now. One of my main problems is that sometimes that is all I see. My weight issue. I often let it define me. Cait will tell you that she’s lost count of all the scoldings she’s given me for referring to myself as “a fat guy” and how often I reject the notion of being anything but. Sure I have some good looking qualities. I mean, come on. Dat beard though lol. For the most part though, I see little else.
Today while perched atop my meditation rock, I looked out upon the mighty sea and the thought came to me. I am this point. This exact location is me. I sit here and the rocks around me represent the troubles I have in accepting myself. Each one is jagged, difficult to stand on and seemingly immovable. They prevent me from being one with the beauty and sheer power of the sea.
How do I move on then, to be with this sea? How can I release myself and be free of the negativity that I have surrounded myself with over all these years? How can I see myself as more than just “a fat guy” and see myself as the wonderful being that people keep trying to tell me I am?
Well, that’s the thing. These rocks have not always been here. Someone or something, likely the City’s Works department and their machinery, put them here. Can the rocks be removed? Sure they could! That, however would take a great deal of time and strength that I do not and may never possess. So my options are limited.
I could always just leave the rocks as they are. They can continue to prevent me from achieving that beauty and that strength which lays just outside of my reach. I can continue to look down on myself and continue to really care about what everyone thinks about me.
Or…I can free myself of that. I could accept my body and it’s flaws, work towards changing myself but realise that while it would be nice, it is not 100% necessary, because those that matter don’t mind. And those that mind don’t matter.
I can learn to stand and walk on the rocks.
Everyone has these rocks that they deal with in life. Everyone has barriers to being truly happy. They may be physical or emotional… but everyone has them. Everyone has something that prevents them from being truly happy.
Happiness is not having the greatest job but in doing your job to the best of your ability and making a difference where you can. Happiness is not having endless finances but in learning to be happy with what you have. Happiness is not driving the fastest car or wearing the fanciest clothes. Happiness is more than a feeling. Happiness is a state of mind where you can accept all that is around you for what it is, understanding what you cannot change and being mindful of the difference.
For me, I need to accept that happiness is not having the perfect body, but being comfortable in the one you have.
Search within yourself. Find your happiness. Learn to stand and walk on your rocks.