Top 5 List: Sept 3, 2016

Yep. Adding another category of stuff to write about. Because reasons. 

You know what really grinds my gears? People. But not just any people. (ok most people lol). People who have zero clue about anything to do with martial arts either a) talking smack or b) saying some straight up dumb shit. I heard one the other day that I hadn’t heard since high school. It conveniently made the list. So today’s list:

Top 5 Things People With Zero Clue About Martial Arts Say

5. Bruh. You better you know, like watch it. I’m a total fuckin’ ninja!!

Well then! That there is an accomplishment. Becoming a true ninja takes a lot of studying and hard work. Sadly, being a “ninja”, also known as studying the ancient art of Ninjitsu, doesn’t exactly scare me. At all. While there are fighting components to Ninjitsu, most involve weapons you will rarely find in the streets. Second to that, the art consists primarily of evading, espionage and invisibility. So you’re really good at running and hiding. 

4. I totally have a black belt. 

First off, you likely don’t. Secondly I also have a black belt. It prevents my pants from falling off my ass. There is a significant difference between having a black belt and being a black belt. Being a black belt means putting in hours and hours of dedication over the span of many years. Becoming the best you can be. Being humble. And knowing that it’s just the beginning of the real journey. Having a black belt means you have $10 and a ride to a martial arts store. 

On top of that, I would really like if people would start referring to their Japanese ranks. Sure you could say “I’m a third degree black belt in Shotokan” but it just doesn’t have that same effect as if you say “I’m a Sandan in Shotokan.” Easier to take in and just sounds so much more prestigious. 

3. I train TapouT
So you…train to be a tee shirt. Shut the fuck up. TapouT is a clothing line. Just because you wear one like Rashad Evans doesn’t mean you can fight like Rashad Evans. 

I think the term you’re looking for is mixed martial arts. Even then. People think MMA is one fighting style that they can learn. The term mixed martial arts means you study two or more martial arts and then mix them together. Mixed. Martial arts. Get it? I study Shotokan Karate and Brazilian Jiu-jitsu. I’m learning to combine the two….mix the martial arts…in competition and real life applications. For all intents and purposes I could refer to myself as a mixed martial artist. I don’t, but I could. So wrap your name brand baseball hat around that. Idiot. 

2. I’ve been training for like, a solid 3 months. I could totally kick ______’s ass.

I really…really bet you couldn’t. If blank is one of your TapouT buddies who’s also been training 3 months…maybe. But it won’t look pretty. Pretty ain’t the aim, but when you’re trying to look like Georges St Pierre and you look like Georges Derriere…. Unless you can properly execute the moves, not only will you look dumb but you will be totally ineffective and likely get your ass kicked. 

A martial artist does all he or she can to avoid fighting but when he or she must, they simply do it. They don’t talk about it. 

And coming in at number one….

1. My hands and feet are registered with the police as lethal weapons.

You, sir or madam, are not only fraud, but a liar and likely a terrible martial artist. There is no legislation in this country or our neighbours that requires a black belt to “register their hands and feet.” None. At all. If anyone tells you that, they are so full of shit their toenails are turning brown.  

It is true that should you get into a confrontation with someone, your training can be brought into evidence in court. He pushed you and called your hair stupid. Was the jumping snap kick to the jaw really necessary? Come on now. Your training, your ability to utilize certain movements and your ability to tactically evaluate the situation definitely play a role in determining of your use of force was justified. 

That being said, there is no police registry of every black belt’s hands and feet. If they tried, they wouldn’t get very far. It’s a myth, one that typically makes martial artists and their instructors look like fools. If you’re spreading these ridiculous claims, let me see a copy of your registration forms. Lets see your FPS file. Back up your claims. If it were true, you wouldn’t be able to walk in public without specialised shoes and gloves and a big sign announcing to the world what you are. Otherwise you would be guilty of concealing a weapon. See how dumb this idea is? Do you feel like a badass now? You sound lame as hell.

That’s about it. Stop saying these. I am positive that there is a roughly 6004% higher chance of me choking you the hell out if you do say them. 

Gaaaaahhhhh…..end rant lol




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